The following was observed in a Major League locker room last week

Post-Game Q&A

Matt Miller, Pitcher: "Yes Comment"

Q: Matt, it seemed like your breaking stuff wasn’t really working for you today, so you relied heavily on your fastball—especially in the later innings.  Do you think that’s what enabled the Rangers to come back from four runs down to tie the game in the eighth?

A: Whoa there Fred, I don’t really appreciate your line of questioning.  I mean, we’re just getting started here, right people?  Let’s ease up.  No need to go negative.

Q: Well, which pitch would you say was working best for you tonight?

A: I think my slider, for most of the game.  But again, is that really what people want to hear about?  I’ve been trying for weeks to talk about my sexual transgressions, but all you guys ever want to ask me about is fastball, slider, curve.  It’s enough already.

Q: Matt, this was a big win for the ball club—you guys have won five of your last six games, and you’re playing as well as you have all season long.  Is the feeling around the clubhouse that you can make a run for the playoffs, at least as the wild card?

How come nobody ever brings up the handgun that was found in my car five years ago?

A: Isn’t that a bit personal?  Let’s keep this clean, okay?  I mean, how come nobody ever brings up the handgun that was found in my car five years ago?  Or my recurring tax fraud problems?  It’s all ‘What have you done between the lines?’  It’s shameful.

Q: Matt, why all the secrecy surrounding the identity of the accuser in your sexual assault trial in January?

A: I’m glad you asked, Roger.  It’s an interesting story.  See, there was some confusion regarding the age of consent laws in South Carolina, where the trial occurred: minors’ names can’t be released, and although she was 18 at the time of the trial, she wasn’t at the time of the incident in question.

Q: Matt, right before tonight’s game you had a chance to meet one of your heroes, pitching legend Nolan Ryan.  Can you describe what that was like?

A: What is this, a witch hunt?  Look people, I’m not here to talk about today’s game, I’m here to talk about my personal problems.