Players honor, asphyxiate struggling teammate

East Rutherford, NJ — The New York Giants announced today that they are dedicating their season to placekicker Jay Feely, whom the team brutally murdered on the plane ride home following his three missed kicks in Sunday’s 24-21 overtime loss to Seattle.  Feely is the team’s third honoree this season; franchise patriarch Wellington T. Mara and fellow co-owner Preston Robert Tisch passed away earlier this fall, both after lengthy battles with cancer.

With flags at the Meadowlands once again flying at half staff, players and coaches reflected on Feely’s life, which they ended a few hours after he misfired on three potential game-winning field goals.

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Relief Pitcher's Crime Brought In To Close Out Newscast

St. Paul, MN — Former relief ace Jeff Reardon’s arrest for armed robbery came in to wrap up a local news program last Wednesday night.

Raved Bill Bergoffen, the show’s producer, about Reardon’s burglary of Hamilton Jewelers at the Gardens Mall in Palm Beach Gardens, FL:  “Oh, Jeff came up big for us tonight;  he really slammed the door.  Weather and sports were kind of lagging—no precipitation, no local teams in action—but we felt pretty confident that Jeff could go out there and nail down the final minute.

“During his career he racked up saves for the Expos, Twins, Red Sox…Well, you can add KSTP 5 Twin Cities to that list.”

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Reputation, Career In Jeopardy

Seattle -- Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme has come under fire this week for his questionable off-field behavior.   In the wake of a 20-point playoff loss in which he threw three interceptions, Delhomme must also now answer questions about how he can lend considerable time and money to fighting two diseases—multiple sclerosis and prostate cancer—yet ignore countless others.

Delhomme's charitable foundation, Jake's Go Long Against MS Club, founded by the quarterback and his wife Keri three years ago, has raised $1.2 million toward research and assistance to help those suffering from the disease.

As the news broke of Delhomme’s controversial non-involvement with such ailments as autism and lupus, condemnation poured in from all corners of the media.

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Special Feature: Forgotten Daredevils

With the mainstreaming of the X Games and exploits like BASEjumping, dangerous “stunt sports” have lost much of their shock value.  In fact, few fans of extreme sports are old enough to remember when one man stood alone as America’s daredevil:  Robert “Evel” Knievel.  Fewer still can remember Elmer “Nice” Grice.

Knievel is revered by an older generation as the star-spangled eccentric who tried to jump his motorcycle over rows of double-decker buses, Idaho’s Snake River Canyon, and other obstacles nobody else would dare.  But when “Moto” events in the X Games demand that participants routinely perform feats once considered death-defying, how can the modern daredevil cause a stir?

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