This season Major League Baseball has begun official
use of salary caps. In place of traditional team
headgear, players now don ballcaps displaying the
wearer’s annual pre-tax earnings. According to league
officials, the new look will make the game more relevant
to today’s fans.
“Gone are the tired team logos of yesteryear,” said
league spokesperson Nancy Coplan, wearing a size 7
purple $155,000 salary cap. “An oriole? A grinning
Indian? You got to be kidding. This is the 21st century. And besides, the way players jump around these days,
team affiliation is passé. Salary caps are a concept any
American can support.”
Tugging at the bill of his blue and white $8,500,000
cap, Cubs fireballer Kerry Wood remarked, “I don’t
understand why the union was against this. It’s comfy,
fits great, and lets everyone know the score. I love
it!”
Said Astros manager Phil Garner, “From a strategy
standpoint, it’s a godsend. Say you’ve got a 10-mill-per
guy up against a reliever earning mid-six-figures. Right
away you know you’ve got a mismatch.”
As expected, fans seemed to have taken to the new caps
immediately. “Now if a guy flubs an easy grounder,”
remarked one bleacher denizen in Pittsburgh, “I can
yell, ‘3.4 mill for that?’ It’s a more exact heckle.”
Coplan explained that player salary caps are not
available for purchase, but for $19.95 fans can secure
their own personalized model. “All you need to do,” Coplan said, “is walk into any store selling
officially-licensed MLB apparel and provide a copy of
your most recent W-2.”
