Coach Pilson: “BLOCK, you sissy-pissing banana-faggots!”

“...crush them in my hand, eat one, and mail the other to your crippled granny,  ref!”

Berwick, PA-- Ignoring trends in both education and society at large, Rockville (MD) High School assistant football coach Bob Pilson continues to motivate his players with brutal, oft-bewildering verbal assaults. Barking commands laced with homophobia, xenophobia, misogyny, self-loathing, a Kipling-era admiration of Social Darwinism, and the occasional coaching tip, Pilson has helped lead the Tigers to a 2-5 record.

“I was late picking up a blitzer in the second quarter against Bloomsburg,” explained left guard Zach DaRusso. “Before the whistle had even blown, I heard The Pill [Coach Pilson] yelling, ‘CHRIST ON A CRAP-STICK, DARUSSO! YOU MOVE SLOWER THAN A RETARD IN A VOTING BOOTH. THIS MUST BE WHY THE WOP-SLOP AT YOUR FAMILY'S PIZZA JOINT IS ALWAYS SERVED COLD!'

"I was like, ‘Huh?' My dad’s an accountant.”