Atlanta, GA -- Researchers at Emory University have discovered that the percentage of pro athletes who give 110% has been declining for years, from an all-time high of 160% in the mid-1980s to a mere 119% today.

The triple-blind study also found that the percentage of athletes who take it to the next level -- nearly 130% 20 years ago -- is now at a lowly 106%.  Said research director Eugene Fielding, 41, “Most of us grew up watching athletes who gave 110 to 150% -- from Dick Butkus and Bobby Hull in my father's generation to Lawrence Taylor and Michael Jordan in my own.  But within a decade, competitors who give 110% or more will represent less than 101% of all professional athletes.”   FULL STORY

Dallas, TX -- In an effort to curtail escalating on-ice misconduct, the NHL's Dallas Stars this week instituted the league's first death penalty box.

"We got tired of seeing our best players roughed up by no-talent thugs," explained Stars GM Doug Armstrong, "only to have some candy-ass liberal ref set these guys free five minutes later."

Now, at all Stars home games anyone charged with a major penalty, such as spearing or cross-checking, is assessed a "strike."  Once a player accumulates three strikes, he is immediately escorted to a sterile 6' by 6' ringside box outfitted with a high-back chair and leather straps.  Justice is served.  

FULL STORY

“I want to meet [Mariners reserve outfielder] Eric Simmons!” chirps 12-year old Multiple Sclerosis sufferer Rickey Alvarez, reading from a typed script into the telephone.

On the other end of the line Simmons, a career minor leaguer with only 13 games of major league service, is smiling.

“Hey kid!  You’ve been watching the M’s?  You’ve seen me there on the bench?  That’s great!”

The truth is no--Alvarez had never heard of Simmons until today.  But after some amiable chatting--for which Alvarez has been paid $250--an agreement is reached to have Simmons visit Alvarez in the hospital the next time the Mariners come to Kansas City, should Simmons still be with the team.  It’s all part of the two-year old Fake-A-Wish Foundation’s plan to improve Simmons’ confidence, without Simmons’ knowledge.  The program is quietly being paid for by Mariners management.  FULL STORY

Q: Matt, it seemed like your breaking stuff wasn’t really working for you today, so you relied heavily on your fastball—especially in the later innings.  Do you think that’s what enabled the Rangers to come back from four runs down to tie the game in the eighth?

	How come nobody ever brings up the handgun that was found in my car five years ago?

A: Whoa there Fred, I don’t really appreciate your line of questioning. I mean, we’re just getting started here, right people?  Let’s ease up. No need to go negative.

Q: Well, which pitch would you say was working best for you tonight?

A: I think my slider, for most of the game.  But again, is that really what people want to hear about?  I’ve been trying for weeks to talk about my sexual transgressions, but all you guys ever want to ask me about is fastball, slider, curve.  It’s enough already.

Q: Matt, this was a big win for the ball club—you guys have won five of your last six games, and you’re playing as well as you have all season long.  Is the feeling around the clubhouse that you can make a run for the playoffs, at least as the wild card?

A: Isn’t that a bit personal?  Let’s keep this clean, okay?  I mean, how come nobody ever brings up the handgun that was found in my car five years ago?  Or my recurring tax fraud problems?  It’s all ‘What have you done between the lines?’  It’s shameful.   FULL STORY